I swam out from the beach when sun was still up. I thought about how the day had changed from the time when the sun came up. This morning I sat in bed, feeling warm and happy. Then the cold water shock came. Not straight away. I woke up. I made breakfast. I tidied the fire place that was on last night. The furnace had made my new home. I put it there before anything else. The home was mine. Then I invited someone to join me. It became ours.
Before long I started saying ours, not mine. I didn’t say I anymore, I said we. Small things in my day changed and I stopped doing what I wanted to do and did what we wanted to do, together. I shared what I had made. I was happy. I felt that warm feeling that so many had talked about. Those silly RomComs that were made back in the 90s, where they said ‘lived happily ever after’ at the end. I thought I found it.
Well, just like with Shrek, the sequel after the ending was never straight forward.
So it was this morning when I was making the fire for tonight that I found something. It was a receipt that hadn’t fully burnt away. From a restaurant I had never been to. For a meal I had never been a part of.
I am sure you can guess what happened next. I surprised myself though, I didn’t throw any plates. Even the ones I never liked. What made me sad though, was how within 25 minutes of me finding the receipt they were gone. Like an episodes of friends really, the one where Phoebe tells Rachel about Paolo and it was wrapped up by the end. Goodbye. Of course they move on and she eventually finds Ross, even though so many question that decision, it made her happy. She got off the plane.
But that was all made up right? Where can we separate the made up bit on the TV to the bit that is real?
Maybe I have it all wrong. Did I do something wrong? Did I say we too often? Did I not say it enough? Was I too happy when they were not?
I tried to go to work this morning, but judging by how quickly I was sent home I don’t think I was meant to be in the office today. I stopped to get some cake on the way home with a hot chocolate. It was 10am I didn’t know what else to do with my morning. One plus side of looking like shit I guess, is you get whipped cream and marshmallows for free on top.
How can I go back to an I? I have read about these people who fall apart and I always thought that they need to step up, or get out and do something. But all I found I have done is sit at the beach and somehow felt the chill holding me together. If I am cold I don’t have to think about what isn’t there. I don’t need to think about ‘For how long?’ or ‘What did I do wrong?’. I also don’t seem to think about ‘What a fucking idiot!’ and ‘Screw them!’. The cold brings clarity.
Sadly, all I want to do is be alone and sit but if I go back home then the empty space of them will be there, an vacant space on the sofa seems to be one too many. I also probably left that receipt on by my, our, fireplace. Making a new fire means feeling warm, building a new fire. It will only burn away eventually.
The good thing about this beach is the sunset, the islands ahead of if give a wonderful view, but this is also why so many other people come here to. Having people around you enjoying a sunset kinda stops being on your own from happening.
I have jumped in cold water before. The videos of people jumping off piers and landing on frozen water, or people falling in when they think it is frozen, always brings that awkward laugh when I have seen them. But today the cold seemed to hold me. To stop the feelings I don’t want to face come up.
I swim and float a little further to get away from the voices of the happy couples and groups on the beach. The only sound of waves passing around me as I float there fills me up and I can just listen to the never ending sound of waves. Yesterday they were there, I would probably bet all I own that tomorrow, they will be there too.
Constant.
Strangely reassuring to know that they won’t let you down. Sure, they are damaging to those who live on the coast. Homes can be lost and they can flood whole countries. So not all good. But they will always be there and I don’t think a wave has ever thought, today I will flood a house. They just move back and forth with the pull of the moon. Easy.
The cold is an odd feeling. At first it makes you shiver, but as the advice from RNLI say, don’t panic and make slow movements to float, your body does begin to warm. But this cold feels oddly comforting. It won’t falter. It won’t stop. It won’t lie!
It is what it is.
Those shouts are getting louder and it seems some idiots think with the sun going down is a good time to go out to the oceans on a boat. This should be a time for peacefulness. A time so I can think about how this morning I was happy and now. Well now all I want to do is ignore those feelings, those memories and lie here in the ocean. The waves sound clear and feel right. These waves sound the same as when I was young.
They have not left me or lied.
I close my eyes and I can feel the last rays of the sun come over the water, the tips of my fingers feel the days end. The last light of the day. Bilbo may have realised the last light of Durin’s Day was from the moon, but it’s the sun that has the warmth to it. I feel it drift away and think about how the warmth will not come back.
The boats sound closer and people are shouting. Every so often the boats stop. People shout. They seem to be playing some kind of battle from Takeshi’s Castle.
After the third time the boats stop I realise I’ve learnt my superpower. I can blend into the water. Where do I stop? Where does the water start? Maybe this will be my future, the spirit of the water. I shall be the constant to others that they weren’t to me.
I hold my breath and wonder what it must be like to be the ocean. As in the whole ocean.
Will I mind all the fish peeing in me? On me? Could both be right? That’s a question for Attenborough.
These boats are whizzing around again, they seem to be getting closer. The sound of the boats stopping again creates a new calm, their lights spread around the water’s surface near me but they will never replace the warmth the sun had. I can hear them called and somehow I can hear my name. Did the ocean tell them where I was? Did the fish feel nervous about what I would do to them if they didn’t use the dedicated areas of the ocean.
My name travels across the waves from different directions. It seems the boats are out and all calling for me. I just wanted to be alone. The sound travels above the sound of the waves, they sound panicked.
Panicked for me!
What am I doing here?
The cold will only offer cold. My fire place may have been used to hide some receipt but it will always warm me up. It won’t ask me to be the toilet to the fish and sewers.
In the distance one of the engines starts to roar again. The stars are out in force tonight but there are bright lights on the surface scrolling around. Looking for something.
Looking for me.
My legs have already started to blend with the oceans and I can’t seem to move. Who know you could turn into a superhero so quickly! Those waves that came like a constant now seem to be pulling me in. I don’t want to be the a fish toilet. I will miss my fireplace. My blanket. I even miss my whipped cream and marshmallows despite the calories!
I want my blanket back. Not the one I shared. My blanket.
I can’t move towards the lights but I can’t bring the boats to me yet either. A second engine seems to roar and move off. I hear a voice, ‘We can’t just give up!’.
This is my chance.
My arms can barely move. But I want to be warm again. I want to make a new fire.
“Hello! I’m over here!”.